So Nicole drove home today. That's her to the left, if you didn't know.
I have never written about my personal relationships here before, so feel priveliged, by the way.
Why did she go? Well, I finally managed to tell her that I don't love her. It was a truth I should have told her along time ago, but I didn't. When she first said "I love you" I answered "I do too", and it was a lie. I said it then because I didn't want to hurt her. I still don't, but I managed to anyway.

And that's pretty much all I'm going to tell you about that. My private relationship type stuff is just that. The only reason I told you is it leads right into what I'm going to tap out next.

Fear.

Yes, I am afraid.
I am afraid because for the first time in my new life I am truly alone. I live in a big house I can kind of afford, I guess, if I'm careful. No more "I can't find it so I'll just go buy another one" trips to the hardware store. No having the thermostat turned up above 60. What am I going to do about the heat in the summer? I dunno, save hope that it's not too terrible. Drink lots of "wet with ice" and suffer, I guess, as I'm sure as hell not going to be able to afford a high electric bill.
Yes, I could move, but I will not have time to look for a new house untill the end of the semester. I cannot move myself, so I'll have to hire someone, and the last time I did that it was $450, plus whatever I spent to have the cleaning lady come and give the old place the hook-up. Plus I like this place. It's quiet, the neighbors are nice, and they won't try to steal my stuff. (not like when I lived at the snake-pit, commonly known as The Autumn Creek Apartments...) The most exciting thing that's happened here since I moved in (besides a little oven fire..) was last night when someone pulled out in front of someone else out front. 3 cop cars, an ambulance, and a firetruck. All there within 3 to 5 minutes, which I liked to see for if I ever have to call them on myself. (the ambulance, not the cops)

I am scared tho. What happens if I fall in the shower? It's got glass doors, which while I hope are safety-glass, if they were installed at the same time as the analog microwave in the kitchen (find one of those in working condition, I dare you) may not be. I guess at least if they aren't, and I break them somehow, I won't feel the cuts.

My shaper's still in the back of the van from when I picked it up from mom n dad's about 2 months ago. We kept forgetting it was there, and now it's way the heck too heavy for me to lift. Someday I'm going to build that powerchair I got at the thrift store into a forklift type something, but not (for sure) untill the summer. I just don't have the time for 'projects' now.

Cleaning the house is going to be exciting... The disadvantage or wearing a wheelchair on your ass all the time is you can't take it off and leave it on the porch, so whatever's on the wheels comes right in the house. It's been raining alot here lately, so there's mud everywhere. Guess where that goes? Right on the kitchen floor.
The ferrets aren't much help- They're really good at making messes, but suck at cleaning them up. They're old enough (the babies) that they're in the perpetual 2 year old stage- Whatever I don't want them in is where they most want to be the most and will do almost anything to get there. I've found that tin-foil on cardboard and a fence-zapper can be rather effective in keeping them out of the fireplace and from shooping right under closed doors. Herbie's too old to get into anything anymore, so he pretty much gets the run of the house, but Francis and baby are always getting into something.

I'm just worried I guess, because there isn't anyone around I can ask to "get that" or "lift this" for me. Nothing will need to be gotten or lifted eventually, when I get it all down and up. (respectively) For the first time since the injury I'm completely dependant uppon myself. Sure Mom and Dad live an hour and a half away, but that's an hour and a half response time, and I wouldn't call them to do something small like "could you get that out of the van" or something.
There is a service here in town, who's name I forget at the moment... Something like "Independant living services" or something who will pay someone to come over like once a week and help people in my situation, but I prolly make too much to qualify. Eventually I'll look into it, maybe even this coming saturday. It would be nice to get something like that in place. Most of Nicole's stuff is still here, and it would be nice to get some of it together for her. Both tv's are being held up by something of hers, and I would like to allready have them switched over to soemthing I have bought or made so she doesn't have to leave them on the floor when (eventually) she comes back up to get her stuff.
I think I'm going to troll the thrift stores for a new dresser, and weld something together to hold up the tv in the living room.

In other news, I've dropped my programming class. I suffered through java, but I think C++ would have killed me. The problem I think was mostly my lack of prior programming languages, my other class load, and a little bit the speed that he class went. The professor was coaching us for the 440 while I was still trying to figure out what foot my shoe went on. I went in and talked to him, and we came up with an idea which is to switch over to a business information major, where I get to be an IT god and learn how to use all the software, rather than write it all. I think this will be a much better option for me, not only because I get to learn software and the UNIX OS, but because there isn't as much math. Frankly 4 semesters of Calculus kinda freakin' scares me a little, especially when I'm not all that good at math to begin with. So, with the reduction in my schedule I should be able to do alot better in math, which I don't even know that I need any more with the change in majors. Who knows though, maybe it will count for something in the "B" school.

Allright, maybe I can sleep now. I tried once tonite allready, and it didn't happen, so I got up and started writing.
There ya go.