So I have this new cusion, right? It's got a bunch of little pillowy howyadoins in it and looks like this. The problem is that the front of the damn thing is curved so anything I place there falls off after a couple pushes. I pick it up, put it back, push a couple times, and it falls off again. I pick it up.... Are you seeing a pattern here yet? Tell me if you dropped whatever you were carrying every few steps it wouldn't piss you off.
My old one was one of these... It has squishy stuff under my ass and a solid part under my legs. Stuff didn't fall off as easy. The new one relieves the pressure on my ass better I guess, but doesn't stop the pain any.
Living with this pain has got to be the worst torture ever. If I didn't have a girlfriend and people who would care if I was gone, I would have shot myself long ago. I'm still afraid I might do it, that's why the only weapon I have in the house is a crossbow. It's pretty damn hard to kill yourself with one of those. It's not like I can pull the goddamn trigger with my toe or something. That's why my hand-cannon full of 185 grain hollopoints lives at Mom and Dad's. That is just a little too tempting. Because I keep thinking "Who gives a damn? Am I torturing myself simply so that others may see me alive whenever they want to check?" Apparently so. I hope someday it will freakin' be worth it. I've gotta tell you tho... There's not a hell of a lot of joy in my life anymore. .

So lately my eyes have been going all googly. I dunno if my glasses are screwed up or if it's caused by my other theory- You see, I don't go outside much anymore. Therefore they don't have to focus far away. So when I do, usually to drive somewhere, after about an hour I seem to lose the ability to focus corectly. I get double vision and nothing I can do makes it go away except taking a nap. So if I have the time I pull over and sleep for a bit. Fun Fun.