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Alright, the spasms and pain and shit like that are startin' to piss me off. I even had an anxiety attack a few hours ago... The first (that I can remember) since the "popcorn" incident in the ICU. The nurses made popcorn and the smell of it permeated the ICU and it freaked me out. The one tonite was different.. I was watchin' tv, and all of the sudden my lower back started itchin' like a bastard. Kinda hard to hold myself up in bed and scratch it, but I managed. Didn't help tho... Got hard to brethe, so eventualy I got into the chair and rolled out to the living room and turned on the O2 tank I've got in there to braze the lightI've been tellin' you about and sucked on the torch a little bit. Good thing the spy-cam's aimed at the floor coz that looked pretty stoopid I betya. But I got the O2 I apparently needed and the attack passed.
But I digress.
Why the hell am I still alive? Some tell me I'm just lucky (yeah whatever) or someone's watching out for me (again, Whatever) My current favorite tho has got to be "There's a plan for you..." Oh.. Sure... You mean past the "using up enough CO2 to prevent global warming in our lifetime" theory of mine, because I'm SO important... Like we can't let 10 starving african kids take my place or something.
Either way, can we get this shit over with so I can die already? I can't do anything that I once loved, instead I'm stuck wheeling on flat hard surfaces in this annoying damn wheelchair...Hurting and spasming and being looked at like I'm a brain-damaged freak (first impressions are the best huh) learning (if I ever get through it with a passing grade) some computer stuff that who knows if I'll actually get to use when I'm *done*...
Pain and 1/2 workin' shoulders and wheelchairs and the price of gas and where's the ramp and fighting the insurance for new tires... I just want my old life back. I don't care if I wasn't really going anywhere in it. I liked it. I was getting paid to have fun where now I'm getting paid for my daily annoyances. For anything I put on my lap to fall off 5 secconds later. To spend 75 bucks to fill the van (oh thanks, OWCP. Give me a ride that costs 2X to drive while you cut my pay by 1/3rd. Great.) I can't lift anything over 50 pounds to save my life. If I fall out of the chair it *could* take me anywhere from 15 to 90 minutes to get back in the damn thing, depending on where I am. If I'm lucky I'll tear up my ankles which are finally healed after a whole year. I love the fact that I cannot last a whole damn day sitting upright in the chair.. Life would be great if I didn't hurt all the damn time. Sure I can take enough pills to kill it (most of the time) but by the time that happens I'm too damn stoopid to do anything.

Yeah, being able to have a normal sleep pattern would be nice too. It's 3.34am and I'm finally tired. Gotta get up at 6.30 to get ready to meet Tina at the animal place at 9... Sigh.

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