Drama during the Redbird Fall Fires, Clay County Kentucky, Fall 2K1

One person is responsible for me being in this condition. The rest of the people in Kentucky have, in my mind, made up for the actions of that one in the kindness and help I have recieved. I am alive now because of many of the people there. Not just the medics, doctors, nurses and therapists, but also the people of the Daniel Boone NF who have given me a great deal of love and support. I feel there is no way I would have been able to recover as much as I have without the support of the Forest Service and the people of south eastern Kentucky.

This is my story, containing the whole truth as best I remember it. If you were there in any of the instances described and have something to add, send it, as long as you don't mind me adding it to the story. I personally would especially like to know anything that happened between the millisecond of accident itself and the day I left the ICU. I wasn't very coherant during that time and don't remember much.

I add updates whenever something big happens, maybe daily, maybe not. You should read the whole story.

So, the tree hit me in the head, putting me to my knees. Along the way, it broke my left clavicle and scapula, greatly weakening my left arm. I have a grip strength of 3 pounds in the left hand. Working on that tho. It shattered 4 vertebrae, and went on to break all but 3 of my ribs, collapsed my left lung, lacerated my spleen, shattered some of my teeth, and almost broke my legs.

The guys tried to cut a helispot right there, but the terrain was not acceptable. Only option was a longline, and I was too beat up for that, plus I'm too big for the wire stretcher thing. The crew EMT's loaded me onto a backboard and carried me about a quarter mile to a road, where I was driven to a parking lot and hotloaded into the helicopter. I was taken to University of KY's medical center where I got about 5 pounds of titanium in my back and spent a month in intensive care.

Here is an account of the event written for me by Ryan Bauer, in his own words:

My view was probably no more frustratingly good than anyone elses. From upslope of you, very near Tolen, I saw the trees first movement along with others and we all called it out. The guys on the lower bench, just above you, who heard us started yelling, but as is always the case with a snag or rock, not everyone heard the yelling. (As usual E.A. didn't hear a thing until it was all over with.) As far as right after the accident; when I got there your legs had collapsed first, then once you hit the ground you slumped forward and then over to your right so that you ended up with your body wedged under the small tree at about your waist with your knees under you. You were taking deep wheezing breaths, really slow, but at least we knew you were fighting to stay alive. We waited until we got all of the EMT's there to move you and get your airway opened better. We cleared out the area to your left with tools, cut your gear off, and rolled you onto it on your back. You were pretty beat up as I'm sure you've heard, but the roll went really well and once we were done we put JP in charge of the scene. Once you were rolled over you started to talk. At first all you were saying was "help" and "help me", but as your conciousness increased you started talking more and more. While you still had a lot of adrenaline in your system you were pretty coherent, but as it wore off you started slipping and getting combative. As far as your injuries, we were just assuming the worst pretty amazed you were still alive. When Jeremy was doing his secondary survey you let out one hell of a yelp as he palpated your right leg but we werent sure if it was your leg or just the pain in your back increasing. Anyway we were pretty sure your leg wasnt broken as it wasn't unstable at all. As we went on I asked you to push down on my hands with your feet, and after we got you to concentrate on it you did move your right foot but I lost your attention after that and wasnt able to get you to try your left leg. After that the medics arrived and after what seemed like forever we decided to carry you to the skid road, 4x4 you to the ambulance, run you down to the elementary school and fly you to UK. The hike to the skid took probably 20 or 30 minutes and if it was rough its because the FS Paramedic and I were carrying the tail end of the backboard and couldn't see the ground much less our own feet. Hope you didn't have to endure any extra pain on my account.

End of account by Bauer, and I thank him for the info, as I have no memories of the accident. Even if it seems terrible, it's nice to know what happened.

So once I got to the hospital at UK, they stabilised me and put me in intensive care where they had to put me into a coma for the first 2 weeks because I was fighting the respirator, tearing out iv's, stuff like that. I got pneumonia in one lung, just about the time they got that cleared up, guess what... It moved into the other lung. 'Cource because of that I had real shitty O2 saturation, and I almost died there. Seriously, they didn't think I was gonna make it. Apparently I'm lucky to have been taken to UK because they have he highest rated hospital in the states. Also, Dr Blades, who put my spine back together is one of the leaders in neurosurgery.
The operation to repair the vertebrae took 6 hours, and they were afraid I wouldn't make it (die) again because I had to be on my stomach for it. My lungs were still having trouble at that time. Turns out that position helped as a bunch of bad stuff came out my chest drain. Incidentally, my spinal cord was stretched, not broken, so there's hope.

Closeup (kinda) of the implant. See how the vertebre in the middle loose definition? Those were the ones destroyed.

Laying on my back, shot str8 down. You can see the trach again, and the 2 titanium rods. From the position of the trach you can see the implant is pretty high in my back. The vertebre just above the 2nd (from the bottom) horisontal tie? That's thorasic 6, the one there's very little left of. Dr Blades was apparently picking pieces of it out of the spinal canal when she put in the implant.

The scar. They say Chicks dig 'em, but I'm not really sure... This one's pretty big.

To the left I'm sure you recognise the human spinal colum- the vertibre which I managed to damage are thoracic 5 through 9, with 6 being what they call a 'burst fracture'. It's as if you were to set that vertibre on an anvil and hit it with a hammer. The spinal cord damage was done at T6, so everything below that vertibre doesn't work or feel.
So, as you can see I instantly lost control of my abdominal muscles, legs, bowell and bladder, and have no sexual function. I have lately regained some of my abs and can move my leg muscles a picometer. I'm keeping the hope that as the swelling in the spinal cord goes down I will regain full function.

After they let me wake up in the ICU I had to get off the ventilator. I have a trach, a hole in my throat into my windpipe with a tube in it. Often I had to be suctioned to get all the phlem out which I was too weak to hork up by myself. Believe me, getting suctioned is no fun at all. I finally worked myself off the ventilator and out of the ICU. I really liked the nurses there, they were great. Always right there to help, always kind, helping me through the angsiety attacks, pain, and fear. Eventually I graduated to the Cardinal Hill rehab center, also here in Lexington.
At the rehab center they get me up at about 7.30, dress me, and wheel me to breakfast. Did I mention my legs don't work? well they don't. Can't feel anything below by bellybutton either. After breakfast I work with the rehab folks untill 11, unless I crash. By then I'm usually pretty dizzy and need to lay down. When you spend a month on your back apparently your body forgets how to be upright. Gotta train it again. So, I eat lunch about 12, and go back to (torture) rehab at 1 till about 3. By then I'm pretty dizzy again, so back to bed. If I'm lucky I get some sleep, and at 5.30 they bring me my dinner. We get to pick from a small selection of what we want to eat, and so far most of it has been fairly decent. In the evenings I can get a milkshake if I want, and I usually have one.

So, that's it so far. I'm a cripple now, but I'm workin on it. I intend to walk out of here, as I can't imagine the rest of my life in a wheelchair.


19:27 12/07/2001
Today I found a few ditches on my head. I was scratching a little and found ... well, feels like a ditch, so I asked Mom what they were, she looked, and they are cuts. I figured out how they got there- The webbing harness in my helmet cut me when the tree hit. Must have been an amazing amount of force to do that, and I'm surprised my neck isn't broken and I'm not brain-dead drooling all over myself.
Oh yes, the chest drain site? well that got a staph infection, so the scar is pretty big.
For those of you keeping track, the vertebrae shattered are thoracic 4 through 9. Apparently 6 was the worst, almost destroyed. The incision on my back is about a foot long, and the whole back is quite painful at times. Hopefully it will heal fast.

11:25 12/9/2001

So... Some of you will be happy to hear that through all this it seems that a side effect is that i quit smoking. Kinda hard to smoke when your in a coma I guess.
Maybe you are wondering what happens to me every day here in rehab. Today is Sunday, and I don't have to do anything, but mon through sat life can be kinda hectic.
Every day at 6 the nurses come in to turn me (so I don't get any more bedsores) and clean my trach. That takes about half an hour or so. At about 7.30 somebody comes in to dress me and get me up for the day. I have to wear tights on the legs and a binder around my waist to keep the blood from pooling in my lower body when I sit up. Still tho, when I sit up I get dizzy, see double, and break out in a sweat. That lasts for 5 or 10 minutes, then goes away.
Most of the time I can 'cheat' and get a push down to the cafeteria. Not that it's far away, my arms are just really weak. I usually get eggs, toast, milk, juice, and frosted flakes for breakfast. I save some of it because they give me a whole pile of hoss pills and it's nice to have something solid to wash them down. I don't know what they are all for, and frankly I don't care. I trust the doctor and the pill girl.
So, after breakfast I usually cheat again and get a push to the gym. Oh, if you haven't picked up on it yet, my legs don't work at all, so I have to ride around in a wheelchair. Anyway, I'm in the gym. Sometimes they have me work on the 'rickshaw' a contraption for strengthen my arms, other times I do range of motion exercises on the mat or other torture. I'm usually with one therapist for a half an hour then I get to see another one so whatever I'm doing i t usually doesn't last too long.
Usually at about 11 I start to get the spins pretty bad and I'm usually done with therapy anyway, so I ask to get put in my bed. I eat lunch here usually a salad and the 'pick of the day'. About 1 the nurses or a therapist come in to get me up for an afternoon of torture. That lasts till about 3 or 4, doing the same things as the morning.

Here's one to make you cringe- I have no feeling below the belly button, and also no function. Urination is a problem. If I don't, my bladder will explode causing all kinds of nasty problems so..... I have to use a catheter. It's a little hose about 1/8 of an inch in diameter, which is lubricated and shoved up my schwanz into my bladder. All the urine drains out, I pull the hose, and a nurse comes and takes care of the evidence. During that little procedure is the only time I'm kinda happy I have no feeling there.

22:05 12/10/2001
Hey! Thanks for reading this far... You must either be bored, or have a morbid sense of curiosity... or something. Anyway, today they took a couple x-rays of my left shoulder. Apparently there is some confusion as to wether my scapula really is broken or not. The clavicle is obvious- there's even a big 'ol bruise there. What are they gonna do if it's not broken? I don't know, but therapy will probably get harder. Other than that, the day was good. Therapy wasn't too hard, and I didn't flop too terribly when they sat me up this morning. Maybe I'm getting used to being upright after all. Kinda nice, as that kind of dizzy anddouble vision arer one of the worst feelings in the world.
I'm getting an amazing amount of support- letters and emails from people I have never met who are writing simply to wish me well. Also lots of letters and mail from friends and other Shot crews. It's very nice, and not that my spirits are particularly low, but every wish helps to keep me going. Thanks for everything, all of you!

00:27 12/13/2001
What a day. They say some are better than others, and that's very true. I felt great when I got up thismorning, and slowly slid down from there. Last chore was the easystand at about 11.30... Spins, nausea, and trouble breathing. They brought me down and put me to bed. 'Course in an hour i had to get up for rickshaw and mat rolling practice.
Then back to bed. Hell no I'm not getting up for dinner- bring it in here please.

20:28 12/18/2001
So yesterday I was involved in an experiment where a bunch of doctors and bio engineers wired me up and put me on the tilt table. I had 2 laser skin blood perfusion detectors, a really high speed blood pressure monitor which went on my finger, a heart monitor, breath monitor, and a device which listened to my pulse. I looked like one of the Borg. Wires and fiber optic stuck to me everywhere. They ran me up to 20 degrees, took a bunch of blood, waited 10 minutes, and took me up to 40 degrees. I had a little trouble there, I couldn't breathe. Total anxiety, but none the less, I couldn't breathe so they took me back to 20 degrees. We waited about 10 minutes and went back up to 40, where the same thing happened again so I came all the way down. I was a bit spinny after, so I went back to my room and crawled into bed. What was the point of the experiment? Well, some people in my situation have a really hard time getting up, and the doctors want to find out what happens when someone 'crashes' so maybe they can create a fix. Incidentally the same thing happens to astronauts when they have spent some time in space and they come home.
The therapists came and got me after lunch, angry because I had missed playing with them that morning. I had a full afternoon, lemme tellya.

Today was alright, felt great when I woke up, but started to slip about halfway through breakfast. I went to therapy anyway, trying to 'work through' the spins. pedaling your wheelchair down the hall is lotsa fun when your eyes won't focus. I got into the gym early, and asked to be put on the mat, which usually helps with the spins and all that. Well, spent about a hour and a half on the mat doing various arm exercises (with hand weights, 'course) and when I got up, STILL was cross-eyed and spinny. I didn't have anything else to do till after lunch so I went to bed. Got a speech from one of the nurses about how if I wanted to eat hospital food anymore I had to get up and go to the cafeteria. They were no longer going to bring me my meals in bed. I nearly lost it and told her I wasn't in bed because I was slacking. I was in bed because I didn't have therapy and was too goddamn dizzy to stay up any more. I didn't get to be where I was b4 the accident by taking the easy route. She aapologized but it still pissed me off. I was too screwed up to eat lunch anyway.
This afternoon I got worked... 50 pounds on the rickshaw, some time standing up in a contraption nearly killed me, more arm training on the mat, and a breathing group.( intended to raise our lung capacity, mine is currently 28% ) Then back to bed, and guess what? They brought me dinner in bed. Ted gave me some howyadoins for my elbows today so I don't get pressure sores on them while sleeping, and a strange slippery feeling glove for my left hand 'cuz I have nerve damage and that hand hurts all the time. Feels like it's being boiled, and no, roxycodone doesn't help.

Oh yes, I forgot till now- Last monday the hospital psychologist gave me a memory test, trying to see if the tree scrambled any parts of my head. It took about 2.5 hours, and lemme tell ya I was in some pain. My iron maiden oops I mean wheel chair doesn't fit me. Ye I was tall, but sheesh... It digs into my back like no other, and in about a half an hour I'm ready to shoot myself. They switched out the back today but still.. Anyway, the test was built so it's impossible to get a perfect score, there's some mind warping questions in there... They scored it and brought me the results the next day, and the lowest I scored was 'average', the best was 'genius'. The dock even said he wished he had my mind. So I guess the tree only did physical not mental damage.

So now I'm going to get a delicious milkshake form my wonderful nurse, Holly, check my mail, and go to sleep.

22:24 12/21/2001

Today I decided to question the pillgirl and see just what it is I am choking down morning, noon, and nite. I asked, and now I have a list of all and what they do. Just because you've read this far, I'll list them.

Every 12 hours: (ish)
Tegretol 200 mg ->Anticonvulsant.
Lovenox 0.3 ml -> Anticoagulant.
pepsid 20 mg -> Raises blood pressure.
Paxil 20 mg -> Used to treat panic disorder.
Neurontin 900 mg ->Anticonvulsant.
Entex Pse 120-600 tab ->Decongestant and expectorant.
Combivent inhaler -> Bronchodilator and beta receptor stimulant combination.
Senna concern -> Stimulant laxative to treat constipation.
Augmentin -> penicillin based antibiotic to treat bacterial infections.
As needed:
Roxicodone 3@5 mg -> Pain.

So, yesterday I got a roommate. A guy who is on his 3rd visit and is more crippled than most newguys when they get here, but that's a diferent story.. Today he decided he was cold, and told the nurses. 15 minutes later, a heating guy is here to check it out. He waves his heat detector around, and bails. Then the nursing supe shows up and wants to know what we need to do to get along. I'm not very excited about sleeping in a hot room and tell her so. Should I move? No. Lets fix the problem, instead of treating the symptoms I tell her. So, I go off to my next therapy sesion.

I'm sitting in the gym preparing to get out of my chair and onto the floor when the nursing supe appears and wants to talk to me again. I have to keep the windows shut and am not allowed to touch the thermostat either she says. So what do I do when the room temp gets to 80 I ask? Call the nurse. They will get the heating guys to chck it.

Long story short? I can't open the windows? No she says. Adjust the thermostat? I'm sorry, but no. She says. I ask a few more questions, get a few more I'm sorry's, and that's when I snapped. Why? because they were just words, no feeling behind them. I gave her a speech at about 1/2 shout volume: "You're sorry? Try sitting in one of these, (points to wheelchair) with two of these (points to legs) which don't work. I came out here to put out fires for you people, and lost my legs. I should have stayed home. At least then I would still be walking." Then I said to her: "That's it. It's over, I'm finishing my therapy now." and completely dismissed her.

I was pretty hot, but contained it so Joe and I could do floor transfers. Those are kind of important, because should I get knocked out of the chair, I have to be able to get back in. Floor transfers suck. They are hard to do and take quite a bit of strength, which I don't have (yet) especially in the left arm. At this point let's say I better not ever fall out of the chair.

In other news (your still reading? get more coffee!) We are considering Shepherd and Craig. Apparently they are the best rehab hospitals on the planet. Mom's going to Shepherd next week, and may also check out Craig. We are going to let them fight over treating me, and then go to the winner. When? In a few weeks. The battleground is fluid, so are the plans.

The back without the brace? A little sore in the morning. Ok, a lot sore in the morning. Ok, normal guy screaming sore in the morning. I tend to move around a lot while I sleep. Now, my legs get all tangled up 'cuz they don't move with me. I've never slept on my back in my life, now I am forced to. Sleeping on my stomach, something I have done for 25 or so years, has become uncomfortable. Can't sleep on the left side, shoulder and ribs still sore. So my choices are back and right side. If I sleep on a side for too long, here come the bedsores. I have to turn every 3 hours, which means waking up and doing it. Sigh.

Wow.. hell of a post for today. Hope you can forgive all my spelling and gramatical errors so far. Anyway, it's late, and I'm going to sleep. Out.

20:08 1/14/2002

Recieved a small amount of bad news today. Seems that when the tree broke my clavicle, it smashed the brachial plexus, a nerve bundle in the shoulder. (pic to left) This caused pain in my arm, hand and thumb, which gradually went away. Only lack of sensation in the fingertips is left.

I have noticed that my right bicept is getting pretty big, while the left is non existant. I mean not there at all. "It'll take a while" and "give it time" I hear. Well, yeah, I was down for a month, it'll take time. But it seemed like the right was getting swolt and the left was jello. Well, today I found out why. I went over to UK and had a nerve test. Pretty cool if you like getting shocked and poked with needles. (that stuff doesn't bother me, but don't get any ideas...) So, the verdict? The nerve which controls the pectoralis major ('breast muscle') is damaged, but still working. The nerve controlling the bicept is damaged, and does not work, hence, the muscle's size. Will it regrow? Maybe. I'm supposed to get another test in 4 months to see if there's a change. I'm also supposed to get the muscle electricly stimulated to keep it's mass (that should be wonderful...) so if the nerve does return there's something for it to work with.

I have found myself envious of the folks over in general rehab who have lost one or both legs. Why? They eventually get a prosthetic and get to walk again. I might not get to walk again.

On any given day in my previous life the only things I could do in my current state are to make cuppacino and check my email. Just to throw them out, a partial list of things I can no longer do:
Climb out of my bed. It's 3 feet off the floor.
Drive my Jetta, it's a stick.
Split some wood. Ever try to swing an ax while sitting?
Bring the unsplit wood into the house. (don't want to mke a million trips)
Get into any of my friends houses. Lots of steps.
Continue to dig the well in the pasture.
Check out the property. Hills.
Get dressed in less than half an hour. (can't %*&^ing stand up)
Ride a snowboard. Hmmm... Best thing ever?
Although the list of things I can't do stares me in the face every moment, I have not lost track of the list of things I can do, and am trying to add things to it every day. I don't dwell too much on what I can't do, but I do wish the spine will heal sometime in the future so I can eventually go back to the life of a hero. Hey- Don't feel bad for me ok? I don't feel bad for me, I deal with it. I spend all of my time trying to figure out how to kick it's ass. I'm gonna kick it's ass, and then happily continue doing all the things I listed above.

23:05 1/15/2002

My feet feel wierd. Like I've been sitting on them for about a week. Wait... My feet feel? Yes they do. However, I could drop a cinder block on them and be none the wiser. It's called a phantom feeling. Makes sleeping great. Remember waking up with a body part not following your consciousness(sp?)? Sucked didn't it?

Most of the cool patients have left / graduated. I have been here the longest. (not hard to believe, with my injuries) Now, we have 3 fellas who I like to refer to as 'the backwoods brothers'. Two are paraplegic (2 limbs dead) and the last is a quad. He's got use of his arms, but not his hands. (wouldn't that suck!) Anyway, they're all from eastern Kentucky, and unfortunately are much more memerable than the rest of the population, about 98%, who are as smart and normal as the rest of us. Hence, the dumbass rep for Kentucky. So, bro #1's got on his wifebeater (sleveless undershirt) and whatchcap. (cap, knit, black.) #2 dresses normally, but anounces himself loudly uppon entering the room. 'Whatcha all doin'?' you know the type. Bro #3 is kinda stealth. You wouldn't know till he opens his mouth. Front teeth are missing, and he absolutely murders the kings english. So these three dorks are cruising around, making asses of themselves, and being as lazy as they can. One of them rolled into my room today, as disrespectful as ever, and asked what this machine was. Turns out he hadn't seen a computer before, let alone a laptop. Amazed the hell out of me. Anyway, I can see the aura of the therapists being pulled down a little. How can you be happy for / about your patient when they're lazy and try to sneak out of the exercises? You know they're not going to get better. Waste of time for you and them.

I have a week left here. Excited? No. Sad? No. Indifferent would be what I call it. I am not in control of my life anymore. Yes, I can steer, but I'm locked into the rehab river for the forseeable future. Is that bad? Well hell no, it's how I get better. It does, however, get a little repetitive after a while. I'm getting the feeling that I have gone to the limit of first session and am being put into an orbit of rickshaw, mat class, self range, and freedom machine untill I leave. (I'm probably wrong, Kara, but that's what it seems like)
I just realised, it will be nice to get out of this room with the current roommate. He gets cold easy, so I can't open the window as far. Too hot to sleep, and I have warm Pepsi's. Sigh. He also makes this wierd lip smacking noise all the time, and leaves the tv on while sleeping. Am I too harsh? Maybe. I can get along with just about anyone, but don't annoy me. I find wierd noises and televisions while I'm trying to sleep very anoying.

One thing I won't miss, and frankly is really starting to piss me off is the game of 'screw with the cripples'. Here's how it works: I get up, dress my self, and go off to breakfast. Now sometimes the game's played allready, sometimes not till lunch, but nearly every day the nurses play the game. When they come in to make up the bed, they place things out of our reach. (our = us cripples) Nearly every day, I come back and my reacher is placed in the corner behind the bed, where I can't get the damn thing. Other times it's the sliding board. Today, it was neither. I had a cool day. I could reach everything, and slide from my chair into and out of bed. So I get into bed for the last time, and look up to what I call the 'bait' shelves, which contain things which I can see but not get by myself, and I spy my Bucky. What's a Bucky? it's a small pillow filled with buckweat hulls. When I sleep on my back, which is every friggin nite, I put it on one side of my head and lean into it. Keeps my head from flopping over too far and causing a very stiff neck all the next day. So..... I get to call somebody again to get me the friggin thing. Does it bother me that I need help to get the things I need? Kinda. It really bothers me, however, when someone places something I use every day in a place where I can't get it. A game of "Screw with the cripples".

17:45 1/16/2002

So I'm listening to the backwoods bros, and they're comparing their crashes, the ones which brought them here. ATV, motorcycle, car, whatever. Whoever has the worst wreck and survives is the hero. A classic 'Dude, hold my beer and watch this.' Sigh. That's what we're dealin' with here folks.

There are a few people here at the moment who are classified as 'quadraplegic'. They can't use their feet or hands. It's a C5 or 6 injury I think. Low enough to not kill, but high enough to be pretty bad off. So I look at them, and I feel like I should feel better about my own injury, but I don't. Truthfully, I don't feel lucky at all. Yup, I should be dead, but if I was lucky I'd be home and this page wouldn't exist. Neither do I feel sorry for them. We're all here doing what we can to get better, and that's that.

The teeth. I wrecked some teeth. My front 3 are a bridge, and that thing's dust. Gonna need a new one of those. On the upper left side I sheared the enamel off a couple, but all should be well there for awhile. A few months or so, but any longer and I'll get some bad funk going on. One of the local dentists actually came and checked me out, and I asked him what could have cause dthis type damage. He says when I was struck on the head, the tree bent my head forward and my chin slammed on my sternum, smashing my teeth together. There is evidence he is correct in an unexplained top of the sternum lump I found about a month ago when examining my broken ribs. Now I really wonder how I escaped without a broken neck. I should have been one of those C5 or 6 type quads, if I made it at all.

23:34 1/17/2002

Had a four alarm freak out today. I was in the gym having just finished therapy for the day, screwin' around, poppin wheelies and watching backwoods bro #1 stare at his dream therapist (ask me about that later) when the local wheelchair guy walks in. He's a nice guy, said he needed to talk to Kara and I, so I followed him over to one of the mats and we began. Seems he couldn't get me a chair because he had talked to someone in Cali (names withheld to protect the innocent), they said they needed 3 bids from 3 diferent providors, and wouldn't flow for the chair. So now I'm leaving in 4 days and may not have a chair to go in. Suggestion? call a vendor in cali, rent a chair, and have them overnite it. Well, tomorrow's Friday and Monday's a holiday so I'm thinkin' I'm pretty screwed. I'm busy chaising my tail trying to find a vendor back home, having no luck... Finally I go in search of my case worker to see if she can help me. I do, ask her how much she knows about the situation, she's been clued in by Kara, and says she'll take care of it. Big breath, panick attack over. I had names and numbers of the big guns back home, phone in hand about to dial the 911, all to find out I didn't need to. Good thing too, turns out wheelchair guy and OWCP lady had a mis-undertanding, chair will be paid for, no need to worry at all. Sigh. All that runnin' around based on 5th hand info when there was no need at all.

I have a little book, (no ya can't read it) and in my book I write ideas for this place (among other things) when they strike me. I think on Sunday or perhaps Saturday afternoon if I'm free I'll write about all those wonderful little gems. An example, bait if you will, follows:
My friend (name protected), who happens to work upstairs in a (job protected), stopped by while I was having lunch. No, I didn't know him before. Anyway, we got to talking and he was telling me about a guy he came across in Savanna (Ga) this weekend who was "Queer as a football bat.". I'd never heard that expression before. Took me a minute, as that it rolls off the tongue so well, to realise what he just said. Then I had a mental image of a pitcher underhanding a football at the plate and some poor bastard trying to hit the thing. I was laughing my ass off. Now that I think about it, that may be a way to make baseball a lot more interesting while making shure those poor whiners earn their 30 million a year. Trust me, you whack a football with a bat who knows where it's gonna go. I'd really like to see them trying to throw a guy out at home! I laughed, maybe you will, and maybe (grin) you'll be able to slide that phraise into a conversation of your own. So, I'll write more about stuff like that, stuff I've seen, and stuff I wish I hadn't soon.



23:20 1/18/2002

Almost got someone in trouble by naming names. Might have hurt a person who has been very friendly to me when he didn't even have to talk to me in the first place, as after all, I'm just a cripple. The names have been removed, and all I have to say is this: If you are offeneded by anything I have written here, or think someone else might be, grow a skin or go away. I am getting ready to hear all kinds of inventive wheelchair related names and see the way people react to the handicapped potentially for the rest of my life. I can take it. I even laugh at it. I may even give someone credit for a particulary inventive phraise, just like I tried to do yesterday. It's not about who they are or what they do, it's the comedy of the statement. In my current position, if I can't laugh I'll probably end up killing myself. So again, if your too shallow to figure that out, go away.

And now, off to the reason I started this- to record this stage of my life so you (by your own choice) could read about it.

My teeth. I need to get them fixed soon... They don't hurt too much, mostly just from clenching them in pain, so it's not for that. It's mostly because I have a bridge instead of front teeth, and I broke it a few months ago on a tree. The metal is showing, and it looks like a big 'ol lump of spinach stuck between my teeth. Now it's not often I get to talk to a hottie- They tended to ignore me before, you can just imagine what it's like now. Why show interest in a man in a chair when you could have your pick of those with legs? Anyway, I have gotten the oppertunity to talk to one in particular a few times recently, and I found myself trying to cover that spot in my teeth. She's 'as strong as new rope' to use another of those sayings I've been picking up, and I wish I wasn't leavin' so I might have the oppertunity to talk to her a few more times.These broken teeth are really glaring though, so I need to get them fixed.

So there's a new therapist in our unit, and backwoods boy #1 is absolutely mesmerised by her. She was doing paperwork at the table right inside the door, the one around which we have group. Backwoods was aat the other side of the table, I was behind him, and another therapist was behind her. So backwoods is staring at her, works up the corage and pipes up- "bet you sure did look nice when you were younger" She looks up, I start to grin, the other therapist whips around, and backwoods just sits there, mouth open, flies buzzing in and out... Awaiting her reply. None is forthcoming 'cource, she's in as much disbelief as the rest of us. He's oblivious we're watching, and she's so flabbergasted she hasn't noticed. He says "ya got any pictures when yous were buot 16?" I start making digging motions, and the other therapist (better not name names around this place anymore...) is making pulling stuff on your head motions as we both giggle in disbelief. She picks up her paperwork and leaves, backwoods just sits there, mouth open.
Since then, it's not uncommon to observe him staring at her from across the room, absolutely fascinated. Then the phone rings, and it's his 17 year old wife, wanting to talk about their month old baby...

So I've been feelin' like I've been parked in therapy this last week or two- Getting to be with the same therapist for 2 hours, them asking me what I want to do for our half an hour, doing the same thing every day... it's ok though. On the rickshaw I'm up to 100 pounds, only supposed to be 80, but I sneak the extra on. Freedom machine? They watch the weight pretty close, so I double the reps. Mat class? Once again, I double the reps. I even ask the therapist to pull my knees up while I'm doing the 'neck ups' because I remember back to my Military PT tests how sore my quads were after the sit up portion. No, I don't think my quads are helpin' too much this time, but I'm going to give them a chance. I have learned quite a bit more than I should have this first session, so I guess I should just calm down. I'm almost out, after all.

22:10 1/19/2002

So there's this bike thing in the gym- it looks kinda wierd, wires and stuff layin all over the floor, looked like an early computer on top, and being a technology geek, I was kinda interested in what it did, but that wore off as I never saw it used. Then, last week Kara asked me if I wanted to play around with the e-stim bike. Well not only yes, but hell yes. So... She places these electrodes on my legs, 12 of them, 4 on the glutes, 4 on the quads, and 4 on... what's that other muscle group?... Ya, that one. I get on the bike, and after a small warm-up, away we go. The machine zaps the muscles in my legs in the right pattern, and they pedle the bike. It's pretty cool, I've done it twice so far. Second time I went for 4.5 miles- pretty good for a paraplegic.

Therapy started at 8 thismorning with the bike thing. 'Cource they woke me at 6 to cath, and at 6.30 to get dressed. I realised today I kinda miss Hotshottin'... It's easy compared to this. I was never sore from hiking soda, or from the push ups or dips. Pull ups got me, but not too bad. This stuff is about equal to the Military training I went through to become a Ground Forward Air Controller. I look back on the accident and figure if I hadn't gotten out and become a Hotshot, I'd be over in Afganistan right now getting shot at, and who knows what would have happened then.

As I look through my little book, there are things which I wrote down in the heat of the moment, which I don't really want to tell you about anymore. Cultural diferences between here and the west coast. Kids with tails and people murdering grammer and saying 'buddy' all the time. I don't know, maybe it's I just don't feel like writing anymore, at the moment. I think I'm gonna code some HTML for the site, and maybe leave this page alone for awhile. Don't freak out and send me 'please continue writing' emails. Tomorrow is a new day, and my mind is fickle.

21:25 1/21/2002

Outprocessed today. Poked and prodded- can ya move this, try to pull this, don't let me move that. Can't wait to go through the whole thing anew in a few days. Oh well, gets me on the way to better. I have gained enormous muscle mass in the arms since I got here- The left was skeletonised in UK, can see some swoltness now. The bicept on that side, sorry to say, is still gone. Hopefully the nerves will grow back, reconnect, whatever to get the thing going again. I don't wanna look like popeye with big-ol' forearms and little bitty uppers. The arm doesn't hurt any more, neither does the thumb, thankfully. Right arm? Almost back to the former state. Almost. Little more work to be done there.

When I first got here, wheeling the chair was such a bitch.. The chowhall seemed to be sooooo far away, and my one arm was sooooo weak all I could do was push in an arc, almost hit the wall, turn the chair, push in an arc again.. sigh. Now I just jet down there, no worries. Kinda scary for one such as me. (After using my feet for 30 years I want to keep them, and don't want a chair.)

I spent a long time in the ICU, went through implant surgery, got a 9 thousand dollar helicopter ride, and I've been wondering about the total cost. Got a reciept from UK for part of the surgery, $22,000 for 'physicians services'. Recieved another one for $160,000 for the ICU. That's one hundred and sixty thousand for a month kids. You can check that one here and here. NOW DON'T FREAK OUT, AND SEND ME HELLOF $$. It's all paid for, thanks to workman's comp. I am very curious to know how much this whole things going to cost in the end, and if I'm gonna be the quarter million (or more) dollar man.

I truly hope that in some way my injury has opened the eyes of the people in SE Kentucky, and the incidence of arson fires will decrease. My injury could have happened anywhere, on any fire. Trees burn through and fall all the time, and many times have I seen something so precarious I haven't the faintest how it was still standing. In Mike Sherman's words, one of those "probably shouldn't be here lookin' at it" type trees. I consider it lucky that if this had to happen, it happened here in KY. Lucky I was shipped to UK, and lucky Dr Blades was here to fix my back. Should it have been on the Plumas, I don't know what would have happened. Frankly, I probably would have died on the way to a hospital capable of taking care of me, with the extent of my injuries. Once I was there, if I made it, surely I wouldn't have gotten the care and support I did here in KY. California people simply aren't as nice. The publicity I recievd i hope will help to shut down the 'burn the woods' type hunters, and the ones who are simply bored with a match.

When I got here and we went on the first fire, I said to myself "it's just leaves". Nothing like the rippers we have at home. Sure, fire is fire, and it can still get us, but it was easy to step over the flame front most of the time. The little chipmunks couldn't step over the flame front though. They would try to hide in the leaves, and get burned out. Just like all the other animals and people who happen to be in the way. I can see why someone would light a fire- it's fun to watch, but what happens when it gets away, destroys the woods, and at worst kills people. I truly hope whoever lit that fire knows what he / she did to me. I just want them to think about me sometimes and wonder what my life is like now.

So I'm going to Craig Hospital possibly Wed. How do I feel? A little excited, also a little sad. I've been here for so long the Cardinal Hill people aren't just nurses and therapists, they're my friends. I almost don't want to leave because I feel safe and liked here. Why then am I going to Craig? Honestly I hope to qualify for some of their research into nerve regrowth at best, and hope that they will work more on regaining my leg function at the least. I want to walk, goddammit, and if at some point I truly decide I will never walk again, then I will get really interested in the 'beyond the borders' type outings. Untill then, gimme my friggin legs dammit! I've skiid allready, and it would suck to do it in one of those cart things. I can't imagine how to adapt one to a racing type snowboard... Hiking? There's no way in hell I could get back to the places I love in a chair. I would die for shure. Little skinny trails, rattlesnakes, cliffs... Just to get to the best places to go gold panning. I don't think I could pan or sluice effectively in a chair either. So I may loose quite a bit should I stay in a chair, but I'd imagine I will learn and get excited about other things. Like what? I have no idea, but I will find something. Rocket propelled wheelchair racing maybe?

00:53 1/23/2002

My last night in Kentucky. Flying to Denver tomorrow, to begin the next part of the journey at Craig Hospital. Should be interesting. I'm anxious to compare the two hospitals, not to see who's better, but to see the different ways of accomplishing therapy. I'm looking forward to building myself more, and I have heard they (Craig) can fix my bicept. Should be very interesting. Hopefully not too much electro-stim, having the arm in the light socket feeling isn't too much fun. If it fixes me though, i'll take it. It is truly amazing the pain and stress most of us (cripples) will go through for the smallest ammount of new function.

I must thank all the people in Kentucky who have helped me, be it with good thoughts, a little donation, or fixing a terrible problem. I greatly appreciate your help, and definately could not have gotten this far without you. I will come back for a visit, and I will be walking for it! You have given me the best you could, now it's my turn to work with and use it the best I can to get better. I thank you for my life.

00:06 1/25/2002

So now I am at Craig in Colorado. First impressions? This place is BIG! There are apparently multiple stages, the more intensive (care) side where I am now, and the independant side where I will be on my own alot more. Here I am in a rather small hospital type room, there I will be in an apartment like setting. I have a roommate here, I don't think I will over there. 'Here' and 'there' are actually across the street from each other, with 2 enclosed bridges connecting them. They're mostly glass, and I can see some viney plants going wild in there, but for now it's just a nice place to get some rays.

I've met my therapist, and almost immediately she got me out of my rental and into a (what the hell is it?)a Quickie I think, which is much better, but my feet still stick out too far in front. I clang them on stuff if I don't really pay attention, after spending so much time in that revolution I had at the 'Hill. We'll see what happens tomorrow, I hear they have the 'wall' of chairs and parts, so maybe I can trade up.

There's no set dress code here, Everyone gets to wear casual clothes... So I really have to pay attention, I may be talking to my Tech one minute, and the President the next, there's no uniform to diferentiate. Makes the place seem more casual in that it's possible to get closer to the employees, no uniform standing in the way.

So the Doc came in and gave me the poke test- He (or She) takes a pin and pokes various parts to see where feeling stops. Also he looked at mobility, and asked questions about the condition of my mind. Apparently not much information came with me, so I get a whole new slew of x-rays, blood work, and even an MRI. Pretty cool I think. If I get my x-rays from UK and the 'Hill I'll be able to see the progression of healing.

So overall, pretty nice so far. They're a little rabid about padding, but that definately will keep away the bedsores. There's a proliferation of high speed devices for moving the quads around, keeping track of the nurses and nurses asistants (here called 'Tecs'), and generally keeping the intrest of one intrested in technology such as I.

I knew I was back west when I turned on the tele and saw the x games- boys huckin' their meat in the bumpfield, went to lunch and found seafood pesto on the menu, and spotted a warm sunbeam coming through every window. The sunlight seems darker in the east...I don't know if it's the trees or what, just doesn't seem as bright asout here. Must be doin' something for the Hotties, because there are quite a few of them out here. There's about 100 channels on my tv, but no guide channel, and no 'blow their heads off channel', sorry SuperFred. So, I spend more time flipping than watching as I look for all the cool shows.

Modesty goes down enormousely in these hospital type places... I've taken showers with more females in the last 3 months than I have or ever will in the rest of my life. They wash parts I can't reach, clean me when I have an 'accident', and generally see me naked more times than my Mom has. It's not the same as normal life though, in here, it's business. No worries being naked in front of a girl I just met 10 minutes ago- It's just life in rehab.

12:54 1/26/2002

So here's a kenundrum for ya, and will only happen if your a cripple. Let's say you want something, like say... your clothes so you can get dressed. Now you didn't plan ahead the night b4 and lay them out within reach, and your aide is on his / her day off. So, here's what you have to do. Pull yourself up into a sitting position if you don't have the muscles to sit straight up. Uncover yourself. Don't throw the blankets on the floor where they will trip up your chair. Pick up each leg and move it over to the side of the bed, then push them off, being sure they don't thump the floor. Reach your chair, drag it over to the bed, position it correctly, and be sure you lock the brakes. Now, scoot / hop over into your chair... It's a bad idea to use a sliding board on bare skin, 'specially bare skin you can't feel, so one would have to hop... Remember to put your feet on the footrest so ya don't break something you can't feel. Now, wheel 4 feet to the closet, select your clothes, remember not to clang your feet on the bottom of the closet, put the clothes on your lap, and wheel back. Now, position your chair at the foot of the bed, lock brakes, and take your feet off the foot pedals. Now be aware that every time you move your feet / legs you have to reach down with your hands and move them, and (well at least mine are) the bastards are heavy! Now get ready for a big hop, because the bed is probably going to be higher than the seat of your chair. If ya don't make it you may end up on the floor, and then life's gonna get really exciting... So place your clothes on the bed, being sure that when you get into bed you won't be on top of them, and place your hands correctly for the transfer. One, Two, Three, look, hop. Hopefully if done correctly you'll be in the bed and won't have sent the chair for a loop and whooped yourself onto the floor. So now, grab one leg and lean back pulling the leg into the bed. Try not to hit your head on the bedrail. Now, pull yourself up into a sitting position again, trying not to knock the leg you just pulled into bed... off the bed. Grab other leg, lean back again, (don't hit your head!)and get it up there, while still trying not to knock the other one off. Now, your balled up on the bed, so grab the rail and pull yourself up so your head's at.. well, the head of the bed. This will stretch out your legs, ending the danger of them falling off. So there it is, the 10 minutes of bullshit we have to go through every time we want something. A cup of water, a toothbrush, a Pepsi, anything. Just imagine going through that every time you had to get a beer! So... Why don't you just stay in your chair you say? You want to sit in the same chair all day? I don't. This is, in my not so humble opinion, fucking bullshit. If all I want to do is get up and turn off that dripping flaucet, it shouldn't take 10 minutes. At one time I wished to life past 100. Now, I don't want to. Not like this. No, I'm not gonna get out my .45 and 'end it all' or something dumb like that, mostly because I haven't lost hope. Life's just gonna suck in a chair. Don't give me that 'but look at all you can do' bullshit either. In the words of one of the backwoods brothers- "I don't care what you've done, nobody deserves this". I agree with that, to a point. If you became a cripple while being stupid or committing a crime, you get what you pay for. If your just unlucky, he's right, nobody deserves this. It wouldn't be quite as bad, if by back didn't hurt so bad all the time. I can't wait till I go off the painkillers.

02:20 1/27/2002

I can't sleep. I'm also loosing faith that I'll be able to walk again. Yes, it's only been 3 months and maybe I'll heal. All the people who know anything about this kind of stuff are very guarded... 'Cource they don't want to give false hope. I want to climb the hill in the backyard. I want to ride my snowboards. I want to go hike, anywhere. I want to be able to get something 4 feet away without a huge dickdance. I want to know when I have to take a piss. I want to write my name in the snow with it, and i don't want to feel like I'm holding someone elses. I don't want to take a shower on a goddam bench. Never want to see another cath kit. I don't want to wake up every 3 hours to turn so I don't get one of these, or have to do pressure relief every 15 minutes. I don't want to spend the day in bed, because I don't want to spend the day in that chair. I wanna be pissed off about the theft of my mountainbike. (if I ever see that bitch-bastard again I'm gonna do nothing, cuz now I'm a cripple.) Oh yes, and driving my Jetta ever again might be nice. Now that I think about it, driving any clutched vehicle again might be nice.

Not being able to do a few things because I have an implant is cool. No skydiving, bungee jumping... I can rock climb as long as I don't fall... I probably shouldn't snowboard, cuz if I have another of those world record wipeouts I may really manage to hurt myself. I want to not be able to do those things though. That would be fine, if I could stand, and walk, even a little. I don't know if I'll ever be able to, it's up to that little patch of nerves in my back. Are they going to unswell? Are they going to grow back together? Nobody knows. It's all up to my body to heal itself. If good wishes and thoughts caused healing, it would happened long ago, but I thank you for wishing anyway. Sigh. What kind of a life am I going to have?

02:16 1/28/2002

Nope, can't sleep again. Thought of a little 'what it's like to be me' thing you can try- hop up on the table or counter or something where your feet don't touch the ground. Without leaning back, take your pants down. Accomplish that? Ok, pull 'em back up and get 'em buckled. Isn't that a bitch? Do that every day for bowell care. Someday if you're lucky (or not) I may write about that, but it's not very glamorous. Just one other thing that has changed.

I've been kinda bored, there's no therapy on the weekend, something I'm sure I'll be happy about here in a week or 2. Therapy starts in earnest monday- I'm interested in what's in store and also eager to start. The more I acomplish the farther I hopefully get from the fate of being in a chair forever. Should that happen I'd get used to it, I imagine, and hopefully only be bitter on the inside. Fate put me here, probably as a backlash from cheating it so many times.

I guess someday I'll forget how I laughed at short people when they couldn't reach. I'll forget how easy it was to do everything. What it was like to stand up. The feeling of being the only one out in the woods, watching the animals and being one with my enviornment. What it was like to ride a snowboard. I don't ever want to do anything on the snow in this condition, because it will be less than what I could do before. I didn't like team sports before ( football, basketball...) and I sure as hell don't want anything to do with them now. Life as I have known it for the past 30 years is over. Guess I just have to invent new things to do. I really liked my previous life though. I had a lot of fun, now I just have a set of wheels and the rubber stamp of 'handicapped'. At this point the only way life could be worse would be as a quad ( no use of legs or hands) then I'd be doing everything I could to fall on my sword. No way would I want to live like that. Pain and torture the rest of my life? I don't think so. I'd be going on to what ever is next, if anything. If I was doing something dumb that would be one thing, but I was just standing in the wrong place.

Here's one for you religious folks. Now I've had enough pastors and priests try to convert me, it's my turn. Should you worship a god take what i have to say at face value and believe it if you wish, just like i do whenever a religious person comes to talk to me. So here it is: If a god is a 'supreme being' and controls all that happens, it made that tree fall on me. Maybe for some future purpose, maybe just for fun. Now will asking this god to change me back to the way I was do any good? I don't think so. So why pay attention at all? That's effort I think could be better applied to just about anything else. So there's my take on religion. Hopefully I didn't offend you. I just believe differently.

19:25 1/30/2002

I had a MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) today- One of my head and another of my back. Apparently the Dr's here are curious as to what's in there, as am I. I asked them if there was a chance of getting a few of the images, I was going to put them up here, but apparently that is not possible. File format incompatabilities and such- pretty much a dance the tec's weren't willing to go through. A few days ago they took a whole new set of x-ray's and when I get the new camera I'm gonna take pics and put them up here also.

Every day (except weekends) from 11 to 12 I have a wheelchair class... Very interesting. First day? Wheelies and stairs. In order for us to be safe most of the time, all chairs have wheelie bars, which catch us should we go too far backwards. Normally they're set fairly tight, so they catch when we barely lean back. Mine are so tight right now I can't even hit the balance point of the chair. So for the class, they take our stock bars off and place some home-made (of pipe) bars in the sockets, which stick out alot further, allowing us to go over a bit and get scared before we get caught by the bars. It's totally safe, while still letting us know we've gone too far. So, we're wheelie'n around, while one at a time they teach us to do the stairs. Not by ourselves (yet) mind you, but with a helper. The whole point is so we can talk the average joe through helping us up / down the stairs. It's pretty easy- I had a 150# guy helping my 245# fatness up the stairs. (that's me and the chair, btw...) Oh yes, we took the extra long wheelie bars off to get up / down the stairs. Down's even easier, pop a wheelie and go. The helper still helps a little, but not much.
The second day, which was today, I missed half of the class because of the MRI, which was over at Swedish (hospital) which is connected with an underground tunnel to us. Sure beats the van ride from the 'Hill to UK for something... No wait uppon arival either! Anyway, we played 'Go ball' today. It goes like this: Take a basketball court, a duct taped nerf football, and a bunch of crazy chair bound individuals. Make sure everyone's belted in, cuz there's gonna be tips. There's a mat on the wall behind each basket, and order to score you must have all 4 wheels in the 'foul square' underneath the basket and hit the mat with the ball. All players on the team must touch the ball before a point may be scored, and each person can only score once untill all score, then it starts over again. When a score is made, the scoring team 'kicks off' (throws the ball at) the others. Kicking team has to stay behind the mid-court line untill the ball is touched, (by the catchers) but if you can hit one of them with the ball, it's game on. A pretty cool game, and fun. Oh yes, when a player has the ball in the lap, you can't take it, but when they go to throw it or hold it you may try. When I rolled in the place smelled like chordite from the aluminum hand rails on the tires rubbing together during fast action. Definately a bad idea to let your hands be caught in there! I'm gonna be sore tomorrow though- pushed my ass off during that game. A cool trick- one of the guys can go flying along, pop up into a wheelie, and spin 180 or 360 and come to a dead stop when his front wheels hit. I'm gonna have to learn that one. He can walk, but was injured (I don't know how) and spent some time in a chair while recovering.

The food here? Awesome. we had ribs for dinner today, and I have it figured out. Cafeteria opens at 4.30, so I go eat then, and if it's good, the place closes at 6.15, so I slip in at about 6.10 to get another load of the goodies. Tonite? 2X the ribs. I was a mess, bbq sauce everywhere, but I didn't care. Here's a question- Whycook up a big ol' batch of ribs, and dump the whole bottle of sauce on them? If I want to taste sauce I'll suck on the bottle. I want to taste the meat, maybe with a little tang of sauce, but not just sauce alone. Anyway...

So, I'm sure your wondering... Pretty good place so far. Food? Great. OT's and PT's? From what I've seen, pretty good. Nurses? Well, again, from what I've seen, pretty good. So nice overall place, and I'll keep recording and explaining all the cool (or not) stuff.

23:59 1/31/2002

Pain is glorious. It's absolutely wonderful. It tells you you're still alive. Embrace the pain. Ya, whatever. That's bullshit and we both know it. The medication I'm on (oxycontin) manages to reduce the constant pain to almost nothing. That's great for when I'm just sitting around, but uppon movement, especially in the morning, we get into whole new realms of 'gee I shouldn't have done that' type pain. Not quite 'shinned the ball hitch' type, but pretty close. Why do I tell you about this? because almost every time the nurse brings me the bucket 'o pills she wants to know "How's the pain". Had I not been through life as a TACP in the Military, then slowed down a little and became a Hotshot, I'd be having a lot more trouble with the pain. For me anything short of blowing a knee is simply 'press on and it will go away' type. So what. So my back hurts, and it spikes when I move. So my level of discomfort is a hell of a lot higher than yours right now. I've gotten used to it, and it's "normal" for me now. I only notice it when I pay attention. I can deal with it, and I don't want to hear the 'poor you' either.

I learned something cool today- I can get the front wheels (alot) higher in a wheelie if I lean forward to change the center of gravity of the chair. Interesting to me because I always wondered how I was gonna get over the tall curbs. See if you pop too high and don't lean forward you go right over backwards, whack the back of your head on the ground, then your knees come down and whack the front of your head. Sounds pretty bitchin' doesn't it? I haven't found out first hand, and I don't intend to. (well yes I did flip my chair once, but at a slow speed.)

I've gotten a few complaints about not answering email or phone. I'm kinda busy during the day trying to get my legs back, in the evenings taking care of my 'program' and / or showering, and at nite redoing the site and recording my life here. So I'll answer, in time, but perhapse not with the usual lightening quickness youall have gotten used to. I'm getting about 4 hours, and it's a little hard to get my ass out of bed in the morning, but I'm not really physicly working that hard during the day. It's sure as hell not as hard as waving a saw around or roadmarching all day. So I'm not very tired at night. 'Cource my coffee intake doesn't help...

02:57 2/2/2002

Yup, it's late again. Seems like I do most of this in the middle of the night. Anyway, I crawled into bed at about one today and slept 'till 11. Well, slept as best I could. Seems I managed to get myself a urinary tract infection, which the Doc is treating me for, but in the mean time life really sucks. My spasms are inordinately strong, and are triggered by almost any movement. All of my muscles feel as they have been injected with acid- I'm allright if I don't move, but as soon as I do I get that 'really bad idea' burning pain. I do believe this is the worst I have felt, ever. Nursing has been kind enough to bring me some Roxycodone, and the pain has gone away for now. I can't wait for it to wear off though...So after all that sleep this afternoon, I may be awake for awhile.

I moved from the west side to the east today- from the hospital room with a roommate to an 'apartment' with a nuker, vcr, couple of cushy chairs and a couch, and windows that open. Not that I've had a problem with the heat here, not at all like the 'you can't have the window open' dickdance I went through at the other place. It's pretty sweet, independant living with help right behind the call button. A momentary disadvantage is I didn't move myself, so I really have no idea where anything is. I can hear my phone morosely beeping 'you have messages' but as of yet I can't find the thing. The search is a little different from a chair, alot slower. Sigh. Seems like everything except travel is slower now, and I really hate that. Takes me 20 minutes to get a pair of boxers, shorts, and a shirt on and into my chair ready to go. Suck.

I'm not sure if feeling is coming back or what, but I think I can feel the sreaming of my bladder, and commonly it feels like I'm unwillingly bleedin' the ol lizard. I check though, and nothing is wet. Also sometimes it feels like it's time for 'bowell care', and I check, and about half the time the feeling is true. Sometimes I feel like there's a loaf in the ol pants, but the sniff check proves otherwise. I tend to not believe a feeling unless it's the same, in the same place, several times and I'm getting the results the feeling is telling me I should. It's kinda wierd sitting there on the mat feeling like I'm pissing all over myself and I look down and nothing of the sort is happening.

Seems the Docs here wanted their own images of me, so off I went a few days ago to Swedish Hospital. THere's a tunnel which connects here and there, don't have to go outside at all. Far cry from the transport from the 'Hill yo UK, strapped in that van trying not to get seasick. I think normal folks should have to ride around like that for a while, then we would never have to do it again. Anyway, I got a head MRI, they were concerned about any cranial damage suffered when the tree hit. So far it looks like the webbing cuting my scalp was the worst of that particular part. Lucky bastard, yes I know. They also got a bunch of images of the implant and the rest of my back. I can see how people freak out in that machine, a very small tunnel with strange machine noises going on around you. I also got a CT scan of my head, and so many x-rays I'm going to need my own shelf. I want some digital copies of everything, but I'll have to go down there and ask to see them, then take pics of them myself. That should be easy, because I'll take my new digital camera, an Olympus E-20

23:34 2/3/2002

Ok. Feels like someone has taken a piece of plywood, cut it to shape so it fits from my scapulae to my waist, and nailed it to my back. Then, take a couple seatbelts and run them around my (new looks like a) beergut, and sinch 'em down tight. Then, take mmmmm, muriatic (32% hydrochloric) acid and inject it into all joints, but pay special attention to the elbows. Someone has taken my neck and slept with it in a ball, it's quite painful to turn or move my head. Oh yes, and lets not foret the bladder, or at least the general location thereof. You know the feeling when you drink waaaaay too much the night before, wake up late, and have to go reeeeally bad? Times that by about 10. I don't know if this has anything to do with it, but it feels like there's a load in my pants. A big one. Has felt like that for about 36 hours. There's nothing there, trust me, I've been checkin' but it feels like it. My back doesn't bend like it did, and not just because of the implant. The lower part is still supposed to bend, and it doesn't. All I have at the moment is the waist. Spasms? I've been havin' some bitchin' ones lately. Almost flipping me out of the chair, out of bed, or just around in general. I've got to be quick to grab something at times or it seems like I'm going to be on the floor. The moral? Do not ever get a urinary tract infection. They suck, bad.

I came across a thought a few days ago, and managed to remember it just now: Realise I have absolutely no control whatsoever over my legs. THey just flop there, and cannot support me at all. Now if I was to take my all terrain 4wd hoverchair a couple of miles out in the wilderness to go camping, I could bleed the lizard well enough, because I do that through a hose into a bag now, (which I get to empty later) but how the heck would I empty out number 2? I can't even properly dig a hole. Can't tromp down on the shovel with my foot now can I? I guess I'll never be able to get very far at all out into the woods ever again so why worry about it?

My PT has been checking out my back and ribcage- trying to figure out what we're going to do to fix it. All the muscles are very tight in there- They did surgery, then put me on the ventilator, then in the brace, so those muscles couldn't move for 3 months. They tightened terribly and even shrank a little, and now my ribcage doesn't move when I breathe. It's all in the belly. I may never get my legs back, but I wonder how long the rest of me is going to be screwed up. Years? Forever? How many years do I have left? 15? 20? Do I want them? Do I want to live that long being tortured every day like this? Not really, no, I don't. I don't want to be on narcotics forever either though. Incidentally I'm on Oxycontin and Roxycodone at the same time right now, and the pain is still shining through, quite brightly. I have no idea how I'm going to sleep, but it's time to try, as I have to be up at 6 to get ready for therapy.

20:15 2/6/2002

The infection and with it alot of the pain are on the way away. At least I think so. Went down and saw the urologist .... Tues? the day Mom and Dad left for home. He took a gander up the 'ol schwanz and into the bladder, and said all was well. He then told the nurse to flush the bladder out, and introduce 80mg of erythromycin, leaving it in. Now this is interesting to me, because I am allready on rifampin, ampicillin, and bactrim for the same infection. So, one theory says that by throwing all these drugs at an infection, it will be wiped out quickly. The other theory is resistant infections will be created. Where is the best place to catch a resistant infection? The hospital. Sigh, so hopefully I have not become a breeding ground for a superbug.

Sleep is becoming an issue. There is a great amount of store set here around padding. Pad your ankles, your ass, your back. Place a pillow or 6 between your knees while on your side. Roll to your back? Place them under your calves. On the other side? Between your knees again. On your belly? Hang your feet off the bed, pad your knees, pillo under your chest, head on another... Sigh. By the time I move, pad, try to sleep, can't, move, pad, try to sleep, can't, move, pad, try to sleep, can't, move, pad, try to sleep... Sigh. Just when the hell is one to sleep I wonder? 'Specially when your tying yourself in nots trying to find the right position? Sucks. I'm just going to go get some carpet padding and sew myself a pair of jammies. Before you jump up and start yelling "Your gonna die if you don't pad" I slept however I wanted for a month and a half, and CURED a pressure sore on my 'tail' (gained in the ICU- they were busy keeping me alive) while I was at it. I didn't pad a thing, just turned a few times a night. So to pad or not to pad... That is the question.

Incidentally not one word has been said about pressure relief to keep my pelvis from punching through my not so padded anymore ass. Interesting.

02:07 2/15/2002

No update for a while... Here's why: I have Win XP on this laptop, and I've been playing with the operating system a little, killing stupid things like msn messenger, the dog in search, bubble alert anoyances, and other silly things built to awe MSN / AOl zombie types. So, I'm trollin' around looking for tips, tricks, and registry hacks, and I come across a way to change the startup screen. So, I tried it. XP kinda didn't like that and refused to start after. All I needed was a 98 or ME start disk to get into DOS and change the files back, but I couldn't get one. The IT guys here couldn't work on it because it's my machine, and here in sue happy america they were afraid. I wouldn't sue, but they were worried, and I understand their situation. So, I had to wait for my software to get here from Cali so I could fix this thing. I reloaded the thing, in the process loosing ALL my files, mp3's, everything. I have to download and crack everything again, but I'm geting close to operational.

So I went down to the pool yesterday- It's 95 degrees and supposed to be very theraputic. To me, it was a bit cool / cold and very strange feeling. My feet were touching the bottom, but I couldn't feel them so I didn't know. Legs cannot support me, so my feet were touching, but I still sank. I hung out in the corner for awhile, decided I didn't like it much, and got out. Hotsprings would be much better I think, but all the ones I know of would be an absolute nitemare to get to in a chair. About an hour after the pool I started to feel like i'd been put through the wringer. My back was all twisted and my ribs on the left side were trying to get out and run away with the top part of my implant. Very painful. I think everything loosened up in the pool, then later tightened again. It sucked. Might not have been because of the pool, so I'll give it one more try, but if I get the same symptoms I'm not ever going in the water again.

Every 2 days or so I get to try another chair- trying to find one I like so we can order the thing, and maybe it'll be here in time for me to take it home. I've tried quite a few, and the one I'm in now is 'it' I think. It's a Quickie XTR, the one with the rockshock. 21 pounds, they say. Easy to get into the car. I never thought I'd have to deal with shit like that. I need a friggin automatic tranny in the car, gastank on the passenger's side, and a chair I can fit into the car. Suck. I'll never see all those cool places way out in the woods again.

00:06 2/17/2002

So I'm just layin' around today, watching TLC and Discovery, pokin' around the 'net, sleeping, and sucking down some Cherry Garcia. (That's Ben and Jerry's ice cream, if you're from Tusnia or someplace...) What else do I have to do? Nothin'. I've noticed in the last few days my zipper has been itchy. I don't know if something's going on with the scar tissue, all the muscles under there are healing, bone's growing around the implant, or all of the above.

I keep hearing 'never say never' and 'you can do whatever you want' and that sort of thing. That may be true, from your perspective. I bet your legs work, and you've never had to pilot a wheelchair. Believe me, even the smallest hills kick my ass. Now I do realise I've only been walking with my hands for 3 months now, and I will get alot stronger and be able to push myself alot better. Maybe I'll even get my left bicept back. Before my injury I worked as a Hotshot in the summers. Don't know what that's like? read this. Maybe you'll think it's funny, there's no way it's true. Those of us who are doing it know it's worse. Winters I went to college taking 19 to 24 units, raced the USASA North and South Tahoe series, and taught snowboarding at Feather River College. I went hiking every chance I got, usually along the middle fork of the Feather River, gold panning and slucing along the way. It's a wild and scenic classified river, and was absolutely covered with gold miner types in the 1850's. Here is a topographic map of that zone. Green is National Forest, white is private land. The brown lines show slope, the closer they are, the steeper the hillside. Anyway, that area is where I spent alot of time, looking for gold, checking out the great many old mines and caves, and generally poking around. I've been down there on my mountain bike (before it was stolen) and being able bodied at the time, didn't fall off any of the cliffs I came across. Now trust me, there's no way in hell I would make it anywhere near there in a chair. So when I say "I'll never see those places again" I won't, unless my spinal cord heals enough that I find myself walking. The cord healing is not my choice, it's just up to nature. If wishes could heal it, I'd be able to fly by now with all the good vibes being sent my way.

I recently recieved an email asking a few questions. I figure if one person is wondering and writes, many of you must be wondering the same thing, just didn't ask. Before all of you get all twitchy 'he wrote about that one but didn't answer mine'... I get 30 to 50 mails a day, and although I read them all, I don't have time to answer. Someday I'm going to sit down and return mail, and will probably be occupied all day with it. Anyway, here's some Q and A for your enjoyment.

Q: The pool thing is interesting. I have a few questions. Is a "loose" back better? Like does it help healing or allow swelling to go down more? Why is the pool therapuetic? Is it becuase it's 95 degrees or because it's water? If it's because it's 95 degrees would using a heating pad have the same effect? Or actually, a couple of heating pads.
A: Yup, a 'loose' back is better. The muscles in the left side are very tight, and are pulling my posture to that side, causing a bend in the spine and all kinds of other problems. I think it's the temp of the water which is the theraputic part, not the wet or chlorine. Yup, heating pads would have the same fx.

Q: On the topic of healing, what are you doing now. I know before it was waiting to see about swelling and stuff. What are the determing factors now?
A: Still waiting on the swelling. Apparently it can take up to 2 years for spinal cord damage to heal, if at all. So it's just a big waiting game, dealing with what I have and trying to do the best I can.

Q: You mentioned going home in the last update. Is there a potential date?
A: Yup, sure is. 8 Mar, they say. Set in jello though, things can change.

Q: What about the stuff the doctors wanted to do or try or whatever. Are you doing or getting the things that make Craig better? When you go home what do you do? Do you have to find a doctor that knows what up?
A: There are no voodoo spine treatments available here, at least none that I am aware of. (been told about) Without saying that Craig is better than anywhere else, it's just different, I am getting alot of things, foremost the 'advanced wheelchair class', one hour a day of wheelies, curb hoppin, stairs, endurance, and wheelchair games. It's great. When I get home I'll be an out patient of some doctor, probably in Reno. But I don't know about that just yet.

Q: Do you need certain work out equipment? Do you have to be near an outpatient rehab place (I'm sure they have one in Vegas :) ) or do you just go home and that's that? A: Well, I need a stand machine, like one of these. Apparently standing aids in circulation and keeping bone density. This particular stand allows me to range my legs while standing, keeping the muscles and ligaments loose. Should they tighten from lack of movement it's really a bear to stretch them out again, as I found out with my left arm in the first month and a half of rehab. This stand is $5K though ( I really need to start making these...) and I don't know if the insurance will authorise it.

Q: What if you have questions, is there like an 800 number you can just call 24 hrs. a day for general answers?? Can you get on the list to be the first to try new tricks?? Do you want to go back to Quincy?
A: I think I can call here and ask a PT or OT, but I'm not sure. I'll find out b4 I go. I don't know about the list, I'll ask. Do I want to go home? Not really. Seeing all my friends will be nice, but seeing all the things I can't do anymore won't. Getting in the house I'll pass my new saw and my 4 custom made for me snowboards. I'll get into my room, and my bed's 3 feet off the ground. That would be one hell of a leaping transfer to get into that bad boy. It's gonna suck, but I'll get over it I guess, I don't have a choice.

Q: Are you gonna get a car? What about school?
A: Yup, gonna have to get a car. The Jetta's a stick, and I can't work a clutch anymore. Good thing I spent $800 getting a new clutch put in it while I was in KY. I gave it to the mechanic before we left figuring it would be fixed by the time I got back. Well it is, but I can't drive it. Sigh. So yeah, I need an automatic. I'm thinking about a 2 seater, because I rarely have a copilot anyway.
School? Hell yes I'm going to school. How else am I going to be able to pay for the care I'm gonna need for the rest of my life? I can't move heavy stuff any more, cut timber, dig holes, build decks, alot of things walkers can do i can't. Sure I can try, but it would take longer than it's worth, better to pay someone to do it instead. So, hopefully an engineering degree. Then I can bring all the adaptive (making life easier for us cripples) ideas I've been having to fruition, and become a billionaire.

20:29 2/26/2002

So no update for a while... Yup, I'm still alive, doing allright, no (new) major problems.

I've ordered my wheelchair, and am waiting for the green light from the workers' comp claims examiner types to ... well, green light the thing so the folks at Quickie can start in on construction. Apparently it's not as simple as pulling a frame off the shelf, slappin' on a few wheels, 'here ya go mister, have a nice day'. Oh yes, it's a Quickie XTR with 5 inch casters and Froglegs forks. 'Cource I want some Spinergy wheels for it, but they are probably not 'medicly necessary'. (read as: 'buy your own'. Cost? $700 to $1500 a set) I did talk the Quickie rep out of some of the super high speed light up casters. There's a magnet and a coil in them so when they turn an electric charge is developed lighting up some multi colored diodes inside the wheel. They look cool, and attract attention, especially cool when you're 4'5" tall and trying to cross the street without becoming blurred. Are they 'medicly necesary'? Probably not. Neither is getting whomped by a logging truck, I'm thinkin'.

I'm trying to get 2 chairs, one for inside the house, and one for outside. Why you ask? Well, first off, it's 1/4 of a mile through gravel to the mailbox. Possibly something like this would be cool. I'm gonna get dirt and mud and crap all over the wheels, and will get shot for tracking all that into the house. Do you take your shoes off before coming in your house? I want to be able to also. Again, we run up against the medicly necessary wall. The OT / PT folks have talked about an electric chair, something like this guy, but they're tippy as the dickens on rough terrain. One of the things I figured out pretty fast is it sucks to find yourself on the floor / ground. It's a bitch - bastard to get back into the chair. Instead of an electric chair, I'm thinking of getting a quad-runner. It's built for rough terrain, and in the winter I can put a plow or snowblower on the front to clean out the driveway. Yes, it snows at my house in the winter, sometimes alot. I can't work a shovel very well anymore. Whatever I get, I suspect I'm going to be buying my own. Another advantage to some kind of powered outside travel device is it will save my shoulders. They are allready sore. Walk around on your hands for 4 months, and tell me your arms and shoulders aren't unhappy.

While my legs might not work anymore, my mind still functions quite well, a miracle considering the size of that tree and how far it has to fall to get me. Anyway, I've been thinking of a few inventions I hope to develope and market, hopefully assisting my fellow cripples.
First one is for all of us smart asses: t shirts printed with something like "legs broken, mind ok". The average person on the street wonders what's wrong with the mind of someone in a chair. Usually it's nothing. Another is printed on the back, upside-down: "If you can read this, please tip me back over". I'm currently wearing one from Hot Topic which says "Oh Crap! You're going to try to cheer me up, aren't you?" I bought another: "Keep staring, I might do a trick". I figure if I can't laugh at and have fun with my condition, I better shoot myself, because life isn't going to be any fun.

Another idea? Snowtires. Preferably studded, just like the winter tires my Jetta wears. Climbing a little hill is bad enough in a chair, even worse if not impossible in the snow. Yup, we can put mountain bike tires on, but have you ever tried to ride a mountain bike down an icy hill? You're gonna burn in. I really don't want to be going down a hill in my chair, loose traction on the ice, start to slide, then hit a dry spot. Floored for sure, outside, in the snow. That just might be the height of suck.

Next? Yup, I've got another. It's a little tricky to explain, so stay with me. In the picture to the left is a common wheelchair wheel. (click it to see better) The problem? They're not very fast, and have only one speed, which is as fast as I can push it. To move, I push on the push rim, an aluminum tube mounted on the wheel. Now if I push one foot, the wheel moves one foot. Thanks to momentum, I can drift for a bit, but then I have to push again. My idea is to adapt a bicycle 3 speed hub to a wheelchair. It should be the kind of hub where all the gearing is internal, and as light as possible. The push rim would be attached to the hub with spokes or something, and the spokes of the wheel would have to be covered with a light weight plastic disk making it impossible to catch the fingers between the two sets of spokes, avoiding broken fingers. The gear selector would be mounted somewhere on the chair, possibly where the break lever would usually be. The selector wire would of cource have to be split into 2, to actuate each hub at the same time. With 3 speeds, it would be much easier to climb a hill in first gear, cruise around in seccond, and get some speed in third.

Some more ideas tomorrow, it's late, and I'm tired.

20:54 2/27/2002

My ass hurts. Kinda cool because it's not supposed to hurt, but then not because of why. No, don't get excited, there have been no nocturnal visits from the 'ether bunny'. I believe it has to do with the amount of coffee I consumed yesterday. Using the theory of liquid in = liquid out / time, 6 to 8 hours after I consume 500 ml of coffee, it will be trying to get out. The problem? I can't feel it trying to get out. I just have to guess when it's ready, and then get one of these. This one's allready full, about 500 ml worth. That's about ther maximum a person wants in the 'ol bladder, otherwise you get pesky bladder and kidney infections. I allready know bladder infections suck, I can just imagine the kidney type. So anyway, I sucked down quite a bit of coffee last night, then went to sleep. Woke up thismorning, and found a wet spot in the bed. What the hell happened? Well, I suspect all that coffee was trying to get out, and I didn't feel it. So I 'leaked'. I don't know how many hours I spent laying in that wet spot, but it must have been awhile because the skin of my ass is pretty unhappy. So I'm happy I can feel the pain, but unhappy because of why. Note to self: Whence you have filled up, set the alarm to wake up and empty.

A little sidelight I have noticed... When you looked at that bag of pee did you notice the red thingie which looks like a little hose? Well it is a hose. You have to stuff it into the bladder so the liquid can get out. Hows it get there? Well, you can figure that out. What have I noticed the last few days? When I'm done... My schwanz hurts. That's good and bad, because it's not supposed to, and because it does.

The moral of these two stories?
I'M GETTING FEELING BACK!!!
Not alot, but any is welcome, even if it's pain. Don't get too excited tho because I still can't move anything more this week than last week. There's a smidgin more hope tho.

On to more ideas... See the chair to the left? It's a tennis chair. I tried one of these out last friday, and nearly kicked my own ass. Because of the cant of the wheels, it's real easy to push, and turns on a dime. There's a single not removable tip bar welded to the back making it impossible to flip over, and the teeny casters help it to turn so schweetly. So I pushed across the gym, leaned back, and stopped one tire. The chair zipped a 180 so fast I nearly fell out. Scared the hell out of me. So why don't we all wear chairs like it? Well, 99% of the doors in the world are built for walking, not riding, and the wheel cant makes it so the chair won't fit through. Here's the idea: Break the axle tube in the middle, and build some kind of hinge / ratchet action there in the middle, and a sliding hinge where it crosses the sides of the chair. Then, add a handle which can be pushed or pulled, sticking up between the legs. When the handle is pushed it will bring the cant of the wheels up to 90 with respect to the floor and pull them in close to the chair, making it possible to make it through a normal width door. Once through, pull the handle and the wheels will snap back to their former zippy cant. A schweet chair that fits in tight places. Sound cool?

Other stuff I've been checking out on the wonderful information resource we call the internet: Propane burners and forge ideas like Ron Reil has come up with. Small hobby metal lathes. A solar tracking device, fresnel solar cooker, and sterling engine plans. Before I was crippled I went up to the local dump poking around, and gathered about 30 used pistons. Why? They're aluminum alloy. I can melt them in the Reil forge I have half built, cast them into usable shapes, and start 'making chips' with my hobby lathe. I want to build a few sterling engines, an aluminum polaski handle, and I don't know, whatever else I can think of. The sterling I want to install in the foci of the fresnel cooker, slaved to the solar tracking device, so it can follow the sun and run on solar energy all day. Why? Why not. Just a gee whiz project. I have also ran across a site about anodizing aluminum. I have always wondered how it was done, now I know, and it's pretty easy. Apparently it's just a dye... Couple of batteries, some sulfuric acid, couple of buckets, and some dye... Lookout, anodized aluminum.

Allright, that's it, it's really late, and once again, I'm quite tired.

22:28 2/28/2002

Andy Mead, a reporter from the Lexington (KY) Herald-Leader is flying out here to Craig to interview me. Apparently I have become the anti - arson poster boy in eastern Kentucky, where apparently the thing to do on Friday nights is get a case (of beer) and shoot bottle rockets into the woods. 'Cource not everyone out there's doing that, but it only takes a few.
He has emailed me a list of questions to think about, which I intend to 'first blush' answer here. The answers may or may not get a little polish before I have to answer them for real next week.

I want to know about your “semi-charmed” life before your injury. Snowboarding, lots of outdoor stuff, gold mining, new chainsaw. Where were you heading, what were your goals?

Sigh... Snowboarding, which I was good enough to go to amateur nationals every year I competed, and was asked to join Cross M, a pro team who I competed with for 2 years. I taught snowboarding at the local college, greatly helping to offset my tuition costs. Outdoors? I live in the middle of a million and a half acre National Forest. Miners flocked to the area during the gold rush of the 1850's. There's still some gold laying around in the river. New chainsaw? I hoped to work as a faller this year. I'm not sure exactly where I was heading, towards college at a 'big kid school' where hopefully I would study engineering. I was taking my time and having fun while getting there though.

And now, what is it like. Some of the daily hassles you describe so well. What do you hope for now?

Now? I can't even pick up my friggin chainsaw. I have no muscles below my rib cage, so if I try to hold the saw I'll fall over. Daily hassles? Getting dressed while laying down. Getting into my chair without getting onto the floor. Pushing the stupid chair up what were tiny hills. Keeping my stupid shoes on. Taking a shower in a chair. Looking like a beerpig, without having a beer in 5 months. The one thing I really hope for though is to be able to stand up for long enough to pull up my friggin pants. That's it, just the pants. We'll work on walking later. I just want to be able to stand up off the toilet and pull up the pants.

What is a typical day at Craig like? Where is home and what is going home going to be like? Living where? Back to school? Major?

A typical day at Craig..... Wake up about 7.30, get coffee. Check mail, put on my eyes and do the hair. At 9 I have an hour with PT. We practice floor transfers, regular transfers, strengthening, range of motion, and talk about equipment.
10 to 11 usually is open, 11 to 12 is chair class. I have learned quite a few tricks in the chair class... Wheelies, curb hoppin', stairs, (up and down) steep ramps, doors, almost everything a walker can do I'm not too far behind.
12 to 1 is lunch. Food's even pretty good.
1 to 2 is patient education class, where we learn about skin care, bowell care, traveling by air, nutrition, psychological aspects.....
3 to 4 is OT, I do some strength training, cooking, store runs, and check out ideas for 'adaptive living'. (Don't put the pizza box on your lap on the way home just 'cuz you can't feel the heat)
Home is a little town 70 miles or so north of Lake Tahoe in California. I'm not sure what being there's going to be like. Frustrating, because all the evidence of what I could do is there. Interesting to try and see what I can still do. Nice because I know I can get up the stairs into my friends' houses. Anoying because the local terrain is definately not wheelchair friendly.

What do your doctors say about your long-term prognosis? Is there any way of telling if the cord is healing?

The Doc's don't want to create false hope, nor do they want to create moroseness. "Everyone's different" they say. It can take up to 2 years for the spinal swelling to go down. I do have movement in t